Wayan Legacy

Do I really live in a world where "White Chicks" is reffed to as a success? The new Wayan's brothers movie "Dance Flick" is being heavily promoted with reference to 'White Chicks'. Why not "Little Man" or "Mo' Money"? Marketing gurus, is "Scary Movie" really it for them? Do you just find yourself in a crap shoot afterwards, and just throw a dart at what you'll reference?

West Side!

This is History, people. History.

Dark Knight

So I spent today reading the Dark Knight script, it's online for free under a WB "For Your Consideration" website.

Turns out Heath Ledger improved some of the best parts of his character. Damn shame.

Anywho, this will settle the "Is He Dead?' argument from the movie. It's taken from the ending during the standoff at the burnt down warehouse.

DENT
Your turn, Gordon.

GORDON
You're right, Harvey. Rachel's death
was my fault. But punish me-

DENT
I'm about to. Tell your son it's
going to be all right, Gordon. Lie.
Like I lied.

Gordon looks up. Pained. Locks eyes with his son.

GORDON
It's going to be all right, son.

Dent FLIPS the coin. High. Dent's eyes FOLLOW the coin up-
Batman HURLS himself at Dent and the boy.

All three of them VANISH over the edge. A TERRIBLE CRASH then
silence, but for the sound of DENT'S COIN, SPINNING on
the floor at the edge of the hole.

Gordon, horrified, RUNS to the edge- peers down-
Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken. DEAD.

The coin stops spinning, GOOD SIDE UP.

Katy Perry can burn in hell

Someone locked a PC that's been streaming radio music all day - the problem? I've heard "I kissed a girl" three times in four hours.

I hate my life.

Things that happen to you while watching 24

I put in Season 4 of 24 tonight, and since I've seen it a few times before, I know a couple of things are going to start occurring in the coming days. I'm just going to save you the trouble of pointing them out and list them right here.

1.) I'm going to start staring off into the distance. I'll be imagining how Jack Bauer would either escape from this (or break out) of the room I'm in. If you walk me to another room together, you will lose me in the hallway. Jack Bauer does well clearing a hallway.
2.) When asked if I want one more at a bar, I will weigh being social against fitting another episode before bed.
3.) Inevitably, my pattern of speech will become quick and sound as if I'm short of breath. Expect any question you ask to be met with 'Goddamnit, Chloe!', regardless of what you asked for.
4.) I will have to call out sick one day because the 'good part' I insisted on staying up for was actually four episodes from where I had planned to fall asleep.
5.) I'll walk around with my hands on my hips and speaking in a loud, decisive tone like Dennis Haysbert. This will be awkward because Haysbert has a very commanding presence as a 6' black man. I, on the other hand, am a little girl.
6.) I will finish the season, walk over to my movie shelf, and pick up season 5. I will hold it in my lap and start crying.

Jesus' Hand Picked Successor

"I don't even want to talk about that. There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"- The Hills' Lauren Montag

So. True.

P.S. What a bummer about outting yourself as the second coming! I had no idea until now.

Dare to Dream

Think you can know what year this is from? Guess again. Look at the Wii in the upper left hand corner.

There are many things in this photo that make me want to leap blindly before a Transit Bus. The mullet, sadly, is not even in the top five.

Actually, is that a mullet? It may just be a shit load of back hair. And what do you call it when your lower back has enough fat to form it's own ass - the upper ass?

I digress. I don't know the answers to these things, and I wouldn't want to. This man is dreaming large for all of us, and who are we to prevent him? He woke up that morning and said 'God damn it, Mom, I am all out of hot pockets. When are we going to get some more?"

When are WE going
to get some MORE.

We all feel that way sometimes. Because in a metaphorical sense, we are all this guy. Naked to the world, embarrassed when found as we truly are, and at the mercy of a society that won't always understand.

But in an even more literal sense, none of us are this guy. That's because he looks fucking gay as hell, and is probably a major dweeb.

Even still, I know buried under all that man you'd find a sweet, adorable kitten. And this is not a metaphorical kitten, mind you, but a literal one. I think it's what the spray bottle in the upper left is all about.

The Invasion Has Begun

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR SUBTERRANEAN HORSE ATTACKS

Is It Me or Do These Two Look The Same?

I can't help but think Oliver Martinez got shafted

with the likeness rights.

On the left, Edward Carnby from the new "Alone In The Dark" poster.

On the right, Oliver Martinez - an unfortunate prisoner of clothes.

My trip to Sam’s Club

I’m greeted at the entrance by a white guy with half his vest around his neck. He’s leaning against the doorframe, not really looking at the line of people coming in. “ Ya. You good.”. I put my Sam’s club card back into my wallet. He doesn’t wave me through or look up, I suspect he might be psychic. But then I can smell cough drops trying to cover something and guess it’s probably a hangover. This is awesome, it’s only 7:00 PM and I’m being greeted by a drunk. Welcome to Walmart - wholesale.

I Love The Pool in My Community

Four leather tanned old couples sitting at the edge of the pool guffaw with a pitcher of beer. On my left is a woman with disgustingly fake knockers - you can tell because she’s slumping and they’re not. Horrible looking and poorly positioned tattoos are everywhere. These people need to put down the fork.

All the people are talking loudly in shrill tones. Their children look embarrased to even be there. I want to sleep in the sun, hoping to change from lily to pale white. But if I sleep, I’m afraid I’d miss the circus. I get the feeling that this pool in my community is a lot like college, only beauty has faded. I hope I don’t turn out like this.

Alex Stauffer: Stop Reading My Shit and Making Demands From Me

My mother eats a Jack Daniels Candy
Mom: I remember these having more alcohol
in them.

I couldn’t make that up if I tried, it’s just too spot on. Sometimes people just say something that is so positively them, you know if any other person tried to say it you’d swear it false. It’s like a comedian stealing someone else’s bit or wiggas – you just get annoyed.

Drunken people excel at these truisms. What I like about them is that it doesn’t really matter if what they say is or is not actually true. What matters is that they think Chicken McNuggets at 2 AM is one of the most delicious foods on the planet. If you’re honest with yourself, you could intentionally and unintentionally say them all the time.

Take insults: anybody can be mean to a slut. “Her va-jay-jay is loose” doesn’t take much thought. “I could parallel park a Model-T inside her vagina” has to be said with both know how and skill.

Even as I write that last part, I don’t know if it’s something I’m allowed to say. I doubt I’ve earned the right to reference one of Ford’s original automated mobile carriages considering how little I know about cars. Maybe at some point I could’ve worked out the vagina reference, but truisms to work the statement’s got to speak as much about the subject as it does the speaker.

And maybe if you’d never heard me before, those words might make you laugh – but then again if you’d never heard a comedian’s joke before someone else stole, you’d do likewise.

To Quote Myself

Back when I was smart, a time some still argue was never, I could occasionally come up with a good thought. The delivery of it was poor and slurred, spoken from lips on a face riddled with acne and blotches... but there were ideas in my mumbling. This one fact often led me to me being confused as intelligent. I had a feeling these thoughts and ideas had been said before (more eloquently and with brilliant prose) by more educated people, but freshly repeating greatness was enough for me to take a small measure of pride. I had come up with my thought just as the the more learned and wiser yokels had done years before me. I'd often spend hours coming up with an original idea and then try to destroy it by finding a more appropriately phrased version.

It was the most fun, self-defeating process outside of television.

I had a particular favorite I came up with. 'Those who can't think, quote.' I so was amused by it that it later went in as part of my email signature 'Those who can't think, quote. - Me'. Really, I still get a chuckle from that. What a pompous ass I am.

But this morning I found something that ripped the roof off my Hong-Kong knock-off idea factory. Not just a re-tooling of my long held belief that quoting is done by the dumb, but a version of it that mine seem like the piss-poor product of alcohol and desperation.

A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought.

- Dorothy L. Sayers

If there was ever an emotional equivalent to stepping into a pair of soiled trousers, this was it.

Why Every Woman Falls In Love With Australia

Every woman who visits England’s original criminal dumping ground falls in love with this poorly formed land mass. Here’s four poorly founded reasons why it bugs me.

It’s halfway around the world but it’s basically the same place.

Remember that scene in ‘The Abyss’ where Ed Harris has to re-learn to breathe using liquid oxygen? That’s not like traveling to Australia. It’s not that new and scary and different. Traveling to a different country that mimics its social, economic, and political structure and basis them on the same principals as YOURS does not qualify as a change of pace. I compare a trip to Australia like ordering Mountain Dew after a few Pepsis.

Fuck, it’s not even that different. It’s basically the same thing. They’ve got a financially backed currency, they speak English, their pants go on one leg at a time… it’s not like they’ve got eyes on their palms and use basic principles of Math to speak.

Accents do not qualify a whole country as cute.

If it’s how the voice sounds and not what its saying, your standards are lower than mine. You’re really telling the guy can be ugly as hell AND a jerk, but with that accent you’d follow him wherever. I call you a liar. Google Martin Bryant.

When I question the experience I’m told “You have to go there to understand.”

No. No, I don’t. If you can’t succinctly word your argument - or compare it to something else - kindly shampoo my crotch. I’m not looking for rock hard logic, just name one or two unique things that interested you. I let my grandparents get away with telling me southern Canada is amazing because of geographic features. You know what southern Canada is? America’s hat.

Is it their use of the metric system? (Do they use the metric system?) ‘Hot’ accents do not make for worthy praise of a whole continent.

Your period throws off your perception of life.

Plug that menstruating and you might have time to see the truth about Australia – they were left to die hundreds of years ago but developed into colonies instead. If you weren’t so damn hormonal, you’d see that the whole place was meant as a death sentence for the worst of the English criminals. The descendants of them are no better, and I won’t listen to your crap that children don’t inherit their parent’s traits. Explain to me white people if I’m wrong.

Checklist

Adult Checklist::
___ Mature
___ Excel in Career
___ Gain Wisdom
___ Stop playing video games
_X_ Buy a house
___ Children
___ Divorce twice

Now if I can just get drunk in Rio, I can do the other things all in one night.