My trip to Sam’s Club

I’m greeted at the entrance by a white guy with half his vest around his neck. He’s leaning against the doorframe, not really looking at the line of people coming in. “ Ya. You good.”. I put my Sam’s club card back into my wallet. He doesn’t wave me through or look up, I suspect he might be psychic. But then I can smell cough drops trying to cover something and guess it’s probably a hangover. This is awesome, it’s only 7:00 PM and I’m being greeted by a drunk. Welcome to Walmart - wholesale.

I Love The Pool in My Community

Four leather tanned old couples sitting at the edge of the pool guffaw with a pitcher of beer. On my left is a woman with disgustingly fake knockers - you can tell because she’s slumping and they’re not. Horrible looking and poorly positioned tattoos are everywhere. These people need to put down the fork.

All the people are talking loudly in shrill tones. Their children look embarrased to even be there. I want to sleep in the sun, hoping to change from lily to pale white. But if I sleep, I’m afraid I’d miss the circus. I get the feeling that this pool in my community is a lot like college, only beauty has faded. I hope I don’t turn out like this.

Alex Stauffer: Stop Reading My Shit and Making Demands From Me

My mother eats a Jack Daniels Candy
Mom: I remember these having more alcohol
in them.

I couldn’t make that up if I tried, it’s just too spot on. Sometimes people just say something that is so positively them, you know if any other person tried to say it you’d swear it false. It’s like a comedian stealing someone else’s bit or wiggas – you just get annoyed.

Drunken people excel at these truisms. What I like about them is that it doesn’t really matter if what they say is or is not actually true. What matters is that they think Chicken McNuggets at 2 AM is one of the most delicious foods on the planet. If you’re honest with yourself, you could intentionally and unintentionally say them all the time.

Take insults: anybody can be mean to a slut. “Her va-jay-jay is loose” doesn’t take much thought. “I could parallel park a Model-T inside her vagina” has to be said with both know how and skill.

Even as I write that last part, I don’t know if it’s something I’m allowed to say. I doubt I’ve earned the right to reference one of Ford’s original automated mobile carriages considering how little I know about cars. Maybe at some point I could’ve worked out the vagina reference, but truisms to work the statement’s got to speak as much about the subject as it does the speaker.

And maybe if you’d never heard me before, those words might make you laugh – but then again if you’d never heard a comedian’s joke before someone else stole, you’d do likewise.