Monday, June 19, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Catalogue of Obsolute Notations
I'm 22 and for the first time in my life today I said 'Keep the change' to a teller. As the words came out of my mouth, I realized it was the first time they had ever been said without being followed by '... you filthy animal'. Don't get that? Ah, it's a classical reference - John Hughes, Home Alone 1.
At the time, I really wanted to turn around and say to the cashier "Hey! You're the first person I've ever said that to." I have an inherent urge in wanting to share first time events. Occasions need to be marked before they're forgotten. I'm sure even the first time I masturbated I wanted to kick down my parents door and get in some quality share time. Maybe you think it's wrong, but I say some things innately earn a measure of note.
Where as other things may have no purpose in being remembered, especially if it's not the first time. Where my OCD kicks in is when it moves beyond the first time and I have to signify which time it is I've committed whatever activity.
"We just watched Con Air."
"That's the 49th time I've seen it all the way through."
"What? Why?"
I do something, then it has to be marked, catalogued, and thrown into cognitive storage with a number next to it. Especially insignificant things. Actually, only insignificant things. I couldn't tell you how many dates I've had or girlfriends or toes on my feet. You could actually give me time to count those things and I'd zone out half way through, only to have me make a number up for you. 'Cuz even I won't be listening to what I'm saying, especially since 3 girlfriends is more than enough for a life time.
But times I've trimmed my fingernails , or gotten haircuts, or refilled my car this year I can do. 18, 5, 24. How awesomely sad is that?
At the time, I really wanted to turn around and say to the cashier "Hey! You're the first person I've ever said that to." I have an inherent urge in wanting to share first time events. Occasions need to be marked before they're forgotten. I'm sure even the first time I masturbated I wanted to kick down my parents door and get in some quality share time. Maybe you think it's wrong, but I say some things innately earn a measure of note.
Where as other things may have no purpose in being remembered, especially if it's not the first time. Where my OCD kicks in is when it moves beyond the first time and I have to signify which time it is I've committed whatever activity.
"We just watched Con Air."
"That's the 49th time I've seen it all the way through."
"What? Why?"
I do something, then it has to be marked, catalogued, and thrown into cognitive storage with a number next to it. Especially insignificant things. Actually, only insignificant things. I couldn't tell you how many dates I've had or girlfriends or toes on my feet. You could actually give me time to count those things and I'd zone out half way through, only to have me make a number up for you. 'Cuz even I won't be listening to what I'm saying, especially since 3 girlfriends is more than enough for a life time.
But times I've trimmed my fingernails , or gotten haircuts, or refilled my car this year I can do. 18, 5, 24. How awesomely sad is that?
Monday, June 05, 2006
Pantless Patsy
I feel embarrassed if I fall asleep with my pants on. I'll wake on a chair or a couch, look at the pair of khakis or jeans I'm wearing and remark: "Wow, I fell asleep before I even changed." I refer not to the mid day nap or a drunken black out - those are forces of nature. Too much booze in the system is a veritable title wave of unexpected sleep.
Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.
None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.
The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep
See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.
Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.
None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.
The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep
See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.
Pantless Patsy
I feel embarrassed if I fall asleep with my pants on. I'll wake on a chair or a couch, look at the pair of khakis or jeans I'm wearing and remark: "Wow, I fell asleep before I even changed." I refer not to the mid day nap or a drunken black out - those are forces of nature. Too much booze in the system is a veritable title wave of unexpected sleep.
Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.
None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.
The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep
See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.
Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.
None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.
The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep
See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Things I Want Eliminated From The Female Inventory
The following is a public service works. I'm preventing you from future embarrassment. This small list of items need to be eliminated from the possession of every woman. These innocuous, seemingly every day items will come back to bite them in the ass when they look at photos twenty years from now. And - yes - for the mean time, these all happen to piss me off. A lot.
Things I Want Eliminated From The Female Inventory:
Collars That Pop
Small Dogs
Ugg Boots
Big Glasses
shiny Lipstick
Big Hoop earrings
Shirts With One Shoulder Strap
Anything That Glitters
Belly Button Rings
Tattoos That Mean Nothing
Glasses That Tint Halfway
Orange Tanning Product
Trucker Hats
Trucker Hats When Titled Slightly
Anything That Can Be Bedazzled
Shirts That Show Midriff
Pictures Of White Girls Throwing Gang Signs
Pants That....
....you know what? Just look for anything and everything that can be seen worn on MTV. Let me just redirect you there instead.
God damnit I hate it when girls throw GANGSTA signs.. and I just want to punch you.
Things I Want Eliminated From The Female Inventory:
Collars That Pop
Small Dogs
Ugg Boots
Big Glasses
shiny Lipstick
Big Hoop earrings
Shirts With One Shoulder Strap
Anything That Glitters
Belly Button Rings
Tattoos That Mean Nothing
Glasses That Tint Halfway
Orange Tanning Product
Trucker Hats
Trucker Hats When Titled Slightly
Anything That Can Be Bedazzled
Shirts That Show Midriff
Pictures Of White Girls Throwing Gang Signs
Pants That....
....you know what? Just look for anything and everything that can be seen worn on MTV. Let me just redirect you there instead.
God damnit I hate it when girls throw GANGSTA signs.. and I just want to punch you.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Josh Lucas Is No Longer My 2nd Man Crush
Dear Josh Lucas,
You were my 2nd man crush for five years, right below Kurt Russell. Recently the two of you did a movie together. Kurt came out unscaved from the experience, but you are tainted. Why? Because a few days later I watched "Stealth". You are only making crap movies. Don't think I had forgotten 'Hulk', 'cuz I haven't, Josh. I hated you in that movie. What happened to you, bro? You were so flipping man candy in 'Sweet Home Alabama'. I wanted you to just juggle your junk on my face.
BUT NOT ANYMORE! I can see through you know, pal. You're not like Kurt. Sure, you did a movie together but Kurt's done a lot of movies. A lot of bad movies. A lot of movies I would pay so I could not hear about it. But Kurt has always been one thing - himself. You're some kind of chameleon, Josh. Sometimes you act with a giant smile on your face, other days you put a giant grin beneath your nose. It's bullshit! Kurt has range. Kurt faces down danger drunk in his films, like Lee Marvin did with Bob Mitchum. Those guys were drunk every take, every shot. Not like you, as I'm sure you're on some hippy vitamin hijink crap diet. Go away, Josh.
- Ken
You were my 2nd man crush for five years, right below Kurt Russell. Recently the two of you did a movie together. Kurt came out unscaved from the experience, but you are tainted. Why? Because a few days later I watched "Stealth". You are only making crap movies. Don't think I had forgotten 'Hulk', 'cuz I haven't, Josh. I hated you in that movie. What happened to you, bro? You were so flipping man candy in 'Sweet Home Alabama'. I wanted you to just juggle your junk on my face.
BUT NOT ANYMORE! I can see through you know, pal. You're not like Kurt. Sure, you did a movie together but Kurt's done a lot of movies. A lot of bad movies. A lot of movies I would pay so I could not hear about it. But Kurt has always been one thing - himself. You're some kind of chameleon, Josh. Sometimes you act with a giant smile on your face, other days you put a giant grin beneath your nose. It's bullshit! Kurt has range. Kurt faces down danger drunk in his films, like Lee Marvin did with Bob Mitchum. Those guys were drunk every take, every shot. Not like you, as I'm sure you're on some hippy vitamin hijink crap diet. Go away, Josh.
- Ken
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
W0rc|$
Please throw away your dictionary, at least while you're with me. I abuse our language, and on most days can barely speak it. My only advantage is that words can be like the people on MTV, in that they are easily manipulated. And love to be on television. Words are very vain.
And words themselves have no meaning. It's just a sound. Or a jumble of letters on paper. It's the power behind those words, distributed by the people that use that word, that give it context.
Let's take my house. Now a dictionary could say 'Gay' is a term relative to sexuality or happiness, but given the manor in which it is used in my environment (like when Sean running down the stairs with his shirt off, boxers holding on for dear life, and a plate of eggs in his hand) it's meaning narrows. It my house, 'gay' means stupid. So if I'm watching Dora the Explorer and talking along with the TV, I will receive said label, even if I had been doing good and had gotten all the answers right. I could even yell 'Swiper, no swiping.', but I would be considered 'gay' by the man in boxers and well kept fingernails.
It's the same thing as the corruption of the English language - particularly with Spanglish and Ebonics. 1337 speak too. It's taking a base language and converting it to be unique to a specific group. And because it can be corrupted, it suffers. Which is why I suck so much balls at speaking.
My rythmic of spoken language is kind of like those moon shoes I owned as a child. I abused it all so much that the contraption broke, and now all that's left is a useless plastic shell. So whenever I speak useless plastic shell, ignore me. Throw away the dictionary.
Reminders: I busted my language so bad that I think two words in my head and say them out loud as one. Cryptography much? Try out these doozies: "Pirlor", "Grun", "Dranga"
And words themselves have no meaning. It's just a sound. Or a jumble of letters on paper. It's the power behind those words, distributed by the people that use that word, that give it context.
Let's take my house. Now a dictionary could say 'Gay' is a term relative to sexuality or happiness, but given the manor in which it is used in my environment (like when Sean running down the stairs with his shirt off, boxers holding on for dear life, and a plate of eggs in his hand) it's meaning narrows. It my house, 'gay' means stupid. So if I'm watching Dora the Explorer and talking along with the TV, I will receive said label, even if I had been doing good and had gotten all the answers right. I could even yell 'Swiper, no swiping.', but I would be considered 'gay' by the man in boxers and well kept fingernails.
It's the same thing as the corruption of the English language - particularly with Spanglish and Ebonics. 1337 speak too. It's taking a base language and converting it to be unique to a specific group. And because it can be corrupted, it suffers. Which is why I suck so much balls at speaking.
My rythmic of spoken language is kind of like those moon shoes I owned as a child. I abused it all so much that the contraption broke, and now all that's left is a useless plastic shell. So whenever I speak useless plastic shell, ignore me. Throw away the dictionary.
Reminders: I busted my language so bad that I think two words in my head and say them out loud as one. Cryptography much? Try out these doozies: "Pirlor", "Grun", "Dranga"
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