Guest List

Ok. My funeral is having a guest list. And a bouncer. My hearse will be pimping and will have a rocket launcher and a chain gun. A bit much? I think not. I have legions of fans who would try and fight their way to me and cast voodoo spells to bring me back. It's a pain, because I actually died in August '99 saving a sunken ship full or paraplegic orphans with incurable diseases. And again in '03 drinking Holiday Spice Pepsi. That was the worst.

So my hearse will be modified to mow down the fields of people who come and try to bring me back. I want my end to be peaceful, for me and family. Plus, I was told by the Indian Shaman that there is a prophecy that if I were to be buried in the ground it would start a new dark age for all mankind. The Shaman guy said I needed to be cremated and spread to the four winds in order to bring peace. I told him he could have the dust where my right nut lay, and that he could spread that to western winds because it always hung to the left. That Shaman dude gave me a pack of peanuts and told me to go gamble in his casino. I won $8. Point? I stop the apocalypse if you let me have it my way.

I'm going to start handing out the invitations now, so if you don't get one don't be surprised. It's exclusive, and I know a lot of you would give up your life to see mine extended. I'm inviting the people that I know would come to terms with my death like a hero. I know you'd like that to be you, but you're more likely to curl up into a tiny bawl of sad and not get off the shower floor for days. Let's face it, my death will probably be the hardest withdraw a human being could go through. I once worked in a rehab center and cured a guy as soon as I walked into the room, but when I left he became manic and used the bedsheets to imitate a giant womb and he stayed in there until he died. The guy just reverted. I don't want that for you. I love you. That's why you can't make the guest list.

Reminders for class: When everything ends, get drunk and remember how it began. I'm sorry, class, I'm Irish. It's the only advice we give.