My Job

My purpose on this planet walks a very thin line between appearing and commenting. I never actually do anything, I'm more like an aberration. I will obnoxiously rattle my chains until I'm told to shut up, or quietly play my video game while I sulk like a bitch. This is my range. I am comfortable with that.

But now college is ending, and that way of life is threatened. I must find a career that allows me to continue with my actual job. Ideally, I would get one of these screenplays sold, but since I won't even show them to friends, I doubt I'll be sending out copies. That would afford me the lifestyle to which I become accustomed. Writing allows me to continue piddling away in my room over a word processor, to continue being obnoxious, and to continue being the greatest thing the town of Burlington has ever seen. Seriously, they will miss me when I'm gone.

As that won't happen, I have compiled a list of alternatives. Let me know if any seem appropriate.

1.) Secret Agent - Have you ever seen my fold my hands together and make a gun out of it? It's scary how close to the real thing I come. This job would be great because I have no problem lying, I can keep a secret [Nobody's figured out Dan's gay yet], and I'm probably good with a gun if I were ever allowed to shoot one. Additionally, I would be good with this because I never have to show up for set hours. It's more like "Ken, we need you to secretively save the world from utter destruction, please do that by Thursday". That way I'm not on a set timetable. I could work from home.

2.) Jesus - We both have beards. That's about it in terms of qualifications. I would have said Chuck Norris, but we all know there will never be another Chuck Norris.

3.) Action Figure Model - They have to have something to base the He-Man and Incredible Hulk action figures off of, so why not me? They could pour latex all over my body and make life size ones. Who wouldn't buy that for their kid?

4.) Guy Who Fills Up Tissue Boxes - I'm sure someone has to carefully lay all those tissues into place inside the box. I could be that guy, doing it one at a time. Have you ever seen my hands? There are surgical tools. If you know someone I could call to get this job, let me know.

5.) Man Who Holds Up 50% K-Mart Sale Sign - I could walk up and down the street, informing citizens about multiple savings being held inside K-Mart. It's a public service, so I'd be giving back to the community.

6.) Your Bitch - How sweet would that be? Hire me out and I'll be your bitch forever. Full time. I'll even dress up in cardboard boxes and paint them silver. That way, I could also pretend to be your robot bitch. All you friends would think you're classy.

That's just a couple of ideas. I hope somewhere in there is something worth keeping. Let me know if they're feasible.

Reminders for class: When time starts ticking down, make sure you note that things like 'being tired' or 'thought foolish' won't matter in the long run. Drink on a school night and make stupid decisions. What will I remember more in five years, showing up to class chipper as a junebug, or having to pull the van over to the side of the road because I'm still puking Apple Martinis?