What Goes Through My Head

These are thoughts that literally go through my head everyday. I just want you to realize how odd I am:

I would be really good at the piano if the piano was a clarinet. Are people impressed by the clarinet?

I sleep too much.

Would I look good in an army helmet? How about any other helmet? Bike helmets make you look dumb, but I think I look alright.

The inside of my elbow is itchy. What is the name of that spot? I'll google it later.

When I host an infomercial, my audience won't be rigged. It'll be all my friends, but it won't be rigged.

The magic bullet theory doesn't work out. And aliens probably did build the pyramids. Captain Kangaroo should have told us the truth back then.

I should write children's stories. But they should never let me around the children. That would be a mistake.

I bet I look stupid during sex. I know I have that stupid complacent look of an ape while another ape picks bugs off its back. The women always look good.

The hole in my stomach still hasn't healed. I hope it's not cancerous. That would stink.

Drinking straight from the container is fine as long as it's yours. It's also a good way to deter other people from drinking your stuff.

They need to remake Duck Hunt.

I want someone who is smarter than me and right all the time, but who isn't bossy. That's just gloating.

How much does it cost to be a hermit?

I always though Garfield was kind of annoying. But then again, so is House. But House is a doctor, not a cat. Cat's can't be awesome. Dogs can. Lassie was cool. So was Rin-Tin-Tin. And that dog on the Little Rascals. Fucking Petie or whatever.

I wish my hand was a gun. That way, I'd walk around with it charging all the time and tell people: "Hold on, I'm charging my power ball. I need it saved up all the way so I can use it as the last hit on the boss of the game. He's got this whicked fast pattern that you need to blow up right away or you lose."

When I'm a rock star, I'll sign all the autographs they ask. I'll probably do two pop albums, then get crazy with the power ballads of love. At that point I'll be rich, so I can use the power ballads as leverage once my life goes boring and I get a job at a bank.

I'll rent Brokeback Mountain. I don't want people seeing me in the theater. Heath Ledger is mildly attractive, but not like old school Sean Connery was. There was a man.

Women are continually dating assholes and then complaining afterwards. Just date me. I am better.

'Palm of Your Hand' by Cake is a really good song.

I want to watch a movie with a lot of action, that's funny, and smart. Eh, I can only get two. Screw it, I'll just put on Cartoon Network.

Bernie Mac is a lot better than people give him credit for.

Fat people make me sad. Really sad. So do old people who deliver pizza. They never wanted to do that with their life.