Josh Lucas Is No Longer My 2nd Man Crush

Dear Josh Lucas,

You were my 2nd man crush for five years, right below Kurt Russell. Recently the two of you did a movie together. Kurt came out unscaved from the experience, but you are tainted. Why? Because a few days later I watched "Stealth". You are only making crap movies. Don't think I had forgotten 'Hulk', 'cuz I haven't, Josh. I hated you in that movie. What happened to you, bro? You were so flipping man candy in 'Sweet Home Alabama'. I wanted you to just juggle your junk on my face.

BUT NOT ANYMORE! I can see through you know, pal. You're not like Kurt. Sure, you did a movie together but Kurt's done a lot of movies. A lot of bad movies. A lot of movies I would pay so I could not hear about it. But Kurt has always been one thing - himself. You're some kind of chameleon, Josh. Sometimes you act with a giant smile on your face, other days you put a giant grin beneath your nose. It's bullshit! Kurt has range. Kurt faces down danger drunk in his films, like Lee Marvin did with Bob Mitchum. Those guys were drunk every take, every shot. Not like you, as I'm sure you're on some hippy vitamin hijink crap diet. Go away, Josh.

- Ken