Catalogue of Obsolute Notations

I'm 22 and for the first time in my life today I said 'Keep the change' to a teller. As the words came out of my mouth, I realized it was the first time they had ever been said without being followed by '... you filthy animal'. Don't get that? Ah, it's a classical reference - John Hughes, Home Alone 1.

At the time, I really wanted to turn around and say to the cashier "Hey! You're the first person I've ever said that to." I have an inherent urge in wanting to share first time events. Occasions need to be marked before they're forgotten. I'm sure even the first time I masturbated I wanted to kick down my parents door and get in some quality share time. Maybe you think it's wrong, but I say some things innately earn a measure of note.

Where as other things may have no purpose in being remembered, especially if it's not the first time. Where my OCD kicks in is when it moves beyond the first time and I have to signify which time it is I've committed whatever activity.

"We just watched Con Air."
"That's the 49th time I've seen it all the way through."
"What? Why?"

I do something, then it has to be marked, catalogued, and thrown into cognitive storage with a number next to it. Especially insignificant things. Actually, only insignificant things. I couldn't tell you how many dates I've had or girlfriends or toes on my feet. You could actually give me time to count those things and I'd zone out half way through, only to have me make a number up for you. 'Cuz even I won't be listening to what I'm saying, especially since 3 girlfriends is more than enough for a life time.

But times I've trimmed my fingernails , or gotten haircuts, or refilled my car this year I can do. 18, 5, 24. How awesomely sad is that?

Pantless Patsy

I feel embarrassed if I fall asleep with my pants on. I'll wake on a chair or a couch, look at the pair of khakis or jeans I'm wearing and remark: "Wow, I fell asleep before I even changed." I refer not to the mid day nap or a drunken black out - those are forces of nature. Too much booze in the system is a veritable title wave of unexpected sleep.

Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.

None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.

The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep

See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.

Pantless Patsy

I feel embarrassed if I fall asleep with my pants on. I'll wake on a chair or a couch, look at the pair of khakis or jeans I'm wearing and remark: "Wow, I fell asleep before I even changed." I refer not to the mid day nap or a drunken black out - those are forces of nature. Too much booze in the system is a veritable title wave of unexpected sleep.

Here's the scenario: Me groggy. It's two am. I see a half eaten sanwhich next to the remote and the TV is showing an infomercial for a mop. There's 70% chance I slept with my mouth open, and the inside of it is dry.

None of that bothers me as much as my pants still be around my waist. It takes three seconds at most. There's no rule you even have to switch into PJs, you can cheat and just drop trow. Boxers work.

The whole thing seems like an abortion of basic sleep procedure.
1.) Take off work clothes
2.) Sleep

See! I routinely botch half of it! Other people will recommend steps like "Wash Your Face" or "Brush Your Teeth". I say they have a leftist agenda to corrupt my teeth with fluoride water and rid my face of it's natural acne infested beauty. If I'm not perfect the way God made me, why did he bother putting out something sub par? Sounds like lousy work ethic. Someone ought to get on that.

Things I Want Eliminated From The Female Inventory

The following is a public service works. I'm preventing you from future embarrassment. This small list of items need to be eliminated from the possession of every woman. These innocuous, seemingly every day items will come back to bite them in the ass when they look at photos twenty years from now. And - yes - for the mean time, these all happen to piss me off. A lot.

Things I Want Eliminated From The Female Inventory:
Collars That Pop
Small Dogs
Ugg Boots
Big Glasses
shiny Lipstick
Big Hoop earrings
Shirts With One Shoulder Strap
Anything That Glitters
Belly Button Rings
Tattoos That Mean Nothing
Glasses That Tint Halfway
Orange Tanning Product
Trucker Hats
Trucker Hats When Titled Slightly
Anything That Can Be Bedazzled
Shirts That Show Midriff
Pictures Of White Girls Throwing Gang Signs
Pants That....

....you know what? Just look for anything and everything that can be seen worn on MTV. Let me just redirect you there instead.

God damnit I hate it when girls throw GANGSTA signs.. and I just want to punch you.