A Real Man

A friend told me last night she and her father browse Yahoo! Personals for a good laugh. It seemed cruel enough to meet my sense of humor, but when I got around to it I found myself laughing a whole lot less. It wasn't like that 'Ha! You'll never get married manbeast!" laugh. No, it was more like "Man, how many girls do I know?" pity chuckle. Like the same chuckle you make when you fart by accident, but really you're just embarrassed as hell.

The women all seemed to fail with men at Elon. Actually, I'll make the blanket statement that they've failed with men anywhere else on this globe as well. Going to the internet pretty much means they've exhausted our physical realm for quality males, depleted their hook up reserves, and have now resorted to googling their future ex-husbands in attempt to find that special man-panion. Funny how alot of them seem to be teachers.

So why did Elon fail them? What does Yahoo! Personals have that our school didn't? I'll tell you what. A plentiful source of REAL MEN. That's right. There's a list. And they are all real. I haven't seen this list, but it's got to be their. Everyone woman notes in her profile she is looking for a 'Real Man'. Not 'Hitler Clone' or 'Monogamously Challenged Individual'. It's a good thing these girls specify, since a qualifier like 'Real Man' will stop the average white-trash, internet freak from replying.

Anybody remember their Kurt Vonneghut? Allow me to refresh. 'Here's the lesson: Women are psychotic. Men are jerks.' I can no more ask for all the crazy women in my life to leave me alone more then they could ask for a man to live up to the qualifier of 'Real' (which is really a poor choice of words). Real could mean so many things. Am I real man? Sure, my penis was there at birth. Am I a real man? Sure, I can pee while standing up. Am I real man? Sure, I'd rather beat my wife and kids than miss Sunday football. See? I'm Rational and Real. Goddamnit if I'm not the whole package.

I guess Yahoo! Personals is kind of funny, in that tragic, helpless person falling into an open manhole kind of way. If that's your bag, I guess. My advice? Lose weight or change your hairstyle. If that doesn't work, there's always eharmony.com

Reminders for class: I missed you guys. I'll be back again soon.