Advocating Masturbation

At one point in my life, the only problems I had were finding polite way to turn down threesomes. Problems is pluralized, meaning more than one (1) and less than twenty thousand (20,000). I've never been an expert at politely declining sex. I don't even think hookers earn that saving grace. And it's not even so much as polite decline, but more like me scrambling to find in any way possible. I have used the excuse of me having a period. Yes, I'm awkward - much like us all - but I never make the effort to hide it.

I think somewhere muddled in me is a romantic who finds the idea of multiple partners disturbing. I do not know this guy, but he speaks from the small end of a large megaphone. I can tell his megaphone is loud because he speaks from under the buried debris of porn throughout the years and additional societal pressure. I will name this speaker Ralph, as I am disgusted with his presence. The outside resources (porn is a resource) he refutes say any sexual activity, particularly a threesome, is more than an okay thing.

Ralph advocates abstinence. I say fuck Ralph. A lack of sex only leads to bad choices in sex. My compromise would to be an advocate for masturbation. I won't argue the merits of self gratification, but rather the clarity the comes afterwards. I'll refer you to your VHS Textbook copy of "There's Something About Mary":

DOM: The most honest moment in a man's life is the five minutes after he's blown a load. That's a medical fact. And it's because you're no longer trying to get laid. You're actually thinking [...]
TED: Jesus Christ you're right.
DOM: You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go out with a loaded gun, you empty the barrels!
TED: Holy shit, I've been going out with a loaded gun!
DOM: People get hurt that way.

I'm trying to stop you from dumb hookups. If you haven't gone out, do it. Nobody makes a stupid mistake after they're done. Sex has this component where it blocks out several awful truths. In order for it work you need dim lights and a catalyst. It can either be alcohol or lack of stimulation or both. But just remember, this guy doesn't care:

All I'm saying is that I've never heard of anybody completing the third act in a one man show and going 'Sweet, I'm going to catch another production.'

No. You stay at home and practice your monologue. Come out after.

Reminders for class: Really, just stop with the stupid decisions, Phil.