A Tie

I don't want to work anywhere that I can't where a tie. I like ties. I catch a hold of myself in the mirror and go "hey! Tie-man. Goddamnit, you look good. Keep that up."

Tonight, when a gentleman from the Tampa Bay newspaper came to speak, I noticed how awesome he looked in a tie. His personality was zip, actually rather boring - but that tie, MAN! He knew that tie was cracking, so he didn't even try to be cool. He was just all like 'I'm a big fat doodie and I probably made up my wife and kids, but since I have this tie it makes me more man then you Ken', and I was all like 'Yessir, you are right'.

Ties have that power. I ever tell you how I got my job? It involves a tie, a kick ass beard, and a kid with too many good looks. I will now tell you this story with utter regard for the truth.

I woke up one morning and kicked about sixty one women out of my bed I had used the night before so I could watch children's cartoons alone. I went to go turn on Dora the Explorer, universally the most talked to television show by stoners everywhere, when the signal was dead. I totally flipped out and threw my bed through the window. So I took a shower and got dressed in a suit.

Why? People don't fuck with white men in suits. Seriously. A well trimmed white man in a suit is power. My plan was to go into the cable place and bitch that our recently installed cable had been disconnected. But on the way out the door, the cable came back on. Jobless, with the day unplanned, I drove around town in a suit. People everywhere showered me with gifts. This one guy asked me to place my seed within his daughter, but she was super ugly so I said no and kicked his kneecap.

So driving around town, I see this sign for hiring. I drive down to a hotel, where they were working out of, and kick my way through a crowd of losers to get to the front of the line. When I was there, this totally old chick tried to mack it on me. I let her, because she gave me an application. When I was done, she said if I waited around someone would interview me. I picked up my cell and said "Let me make a couple calls, I'll see if I could fit you in." I totally owned her and she loved it. (Long story short, that woman now shampoos my crotch)

So I got into the interview and said about six words until they got around to hiring me. "Holy crap," this frog looking lady said "You are way too qualified. Please come back and meet our manager."

I came back like six days later in a better suit and rocked his world like a KISS concert back in the day. Also, during all of this I have a real kick ass beard and people hear White Snake and Def Leopard wherever I am. My boss grooved out to "Here I go Again" while I gave him 241 reasons why he should hire me. I was half way through the first sentence on reason one and he hired me. (Long Story Short, that man is now fathering my children)

So like I said. If I can wear a tie one day, I'll probably rock all the more. Also, I might get a shot at doing a re-write on a horror script for some company somewhere. After reading the script, they need it a lot more then I do, but it would be cool.

Reminders for class: Look professional and be me. Two steps to get ahead in life.