Ummm... only if you pay for them and don't invite me.

I had a 41 year old ask me out for drinks today. At first, I thought it was a joke - I remembered laughing at 30 Rock when older women called themselves 'cougars' and aggressively perused younger men. Ha! What a show...

But then I realized she was seriously asking that I meet her at George's in Durham by 9:00. I wanted someone to come pull me out of the situation with speed and grace, like the way parents pull a baby out of a high chair as he's crapping himself.

I think, in a lot of ways, I would have rather died.

P.S. Here are some dumb looking kids that
make me feel better about my day

70 Songs That Have Changed My Life

Find the MP3s yourself.

1. smashing pumpkins - 1979
2. pinback - loro
3. jamiroquai - blow your mind
4. zero 7 - destiny
5. omar - there's nothing like this
6. lenny kravitz - it ain't over 'til it's over
7. the dandy warhols - bohemian like you
8. aquanote - nowhere
9. badly drawn boy - silent sigh
10. suede - beautiful ones
11. ben folds five - smoke
12. bjork - it's oh so quiet
13. the shins - new slang
14. blur - song 2
15. the cardigans - love fool
16. the murmurs - you suck
17. brand new heavies - stay gone
18. safri duo - baya baya
19. cibo matto - stone
20. nirvana - smells like teen spirit
21. dashboard confessional - screaming infedilities
22. the lemonheads - my drug buddy
23. dave matthews band - say goodbye
24. the postal service - such great heights
25. blue six - music and wine
26. the strokes - last nite
27. incubus - are you in
28. the sundays - you're not the only one i know
29. groove armada - at the river
30. think about cosmo - miss you so
31. frou frou - let go
32. elefant - make up
33. duncan sheik - barely breathing
34. incognito - a shade of blue
35. john mayer - back to you
36. royksopp - sparks
37. kings of convenience - toxic girl
38. lamb - transfatty acid
39. dave matthews band - #41
40. les nubians - makeda
41. marvin gaye - let's get it on
42. george michael feat. mary j. blige - as
43. massive attack - protection
44. new radicals - someday we'll know
45. counting crows - colorblind
46. norah jones - don't know why
47. orbital - beached
48. weezer - say it ain't so
49. underworld - born slippy
50. third eye blind - semi charmed life
51. chemical brothers - star guitar
52. the cure - just like heaven
53. supreme beings of leisure - never the same
54. ben folds - protection
55. saint etienne - woodcabin
56. pulp - disco 2000
57. radiohead - creep
58. portishead - it could be sweet
59. wax poetic feat. norah jones - tell me
60. the apostles - mercy mercy me
61. the wannadies - you and me song
62. gin blossoms - 'til i hear it from you
63. mother earth - jesse
64. lisa loeb - stay
65. franz ferdinand - jacqueline
66. janet jackson - together again
67. goo goo dolls - iris
68. dubstar - stars
69. foo fighters - walking after you
70. smashing pumpkins - perfect

24: Season One - My Review

Thank you for dying.
It made the 16 hours of DVDs all worth while when you kicked the bucket.

Dennis Hopper Really Loves His Goateeeeee

But it's time to give it up. It looks like a poodle hair hung over his lips.

The internal memo I wish I could circulate to my staff

I object to the gross overuse of slang describing things in our professional workplace. ‘Ghetto’ is no way to describe the status of a million dollar building installation. 'Skank-ass' is not a suitable euphemism for the degrading clean suits used in static-free room. ‘Gay’ is not a verbal placeholder for ‘non functioning’. Please only use the term ‘fag’ to describe a British brand cigarette, not users in the A-wing. And please, for the love of God, do not point strongly at my bosses with your fingers while shooting. The sound of fake gun noises does not help.

Something that annoys me....

....when the last thing you read was either Dan Brown, Cosmo, or had a main character named Harry Potter. Ur a gr8 reedur!

Hungry

I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating. Science needs to come up with an answer for this, especially since I don't feel like moving my mandibles a god damn inch right now.

(Note: I will not be accepting IV bags or Go-Gurt as a solution.)

GroupHugs Banned My Account Because Of This Comment

I know you're practicing to be a nun, but sometimes I'd wish you'd lose your faith so we could bone

I rock

Mayhaps too much?
Yay. Verily.

I'm watching Speed because I'm bored, and lets say the film hasn't aged well. It's not as bad as some get in retrospect, but it's hard to take the plot seriously with Keanu saying 'Cool' about every five f'n words. The man stretches mono-syllabic words to their limits, making me think that with the one word approach and only a minor emphasis, I could roll a game with women of the early 90' that would be smoooooth.

Oh, man. If I could land Jesse Spano, I'd play the shit out of that a one syllable statement game. Rad? RAD. Check out my girl in form.

I need to post more

But we all know that won't be happening.

My Baby Porn is Clearly Fake

I'm a big fan of porn, which why I found it so upsetting my favorite baby porn site turned out to be a fake. I made a list (I'm tired of lists too, LOL!) of five subtle reasons that led me to believe the site was Bogus.

1.) Baby porn is illegal, yet this site was charging me $49.99 a week.
2.) The main "actress" looked like a 2 year old, but she has cigarette stains around her fingers.
3.) Another actress got a tattoo on her back. You can't get tattoo unless you're 18! (BTW Tramp stamps on babies are super huge)
4.) The other baby wasn't really a baby, but just a bunch of clips from that old dancing baby fad in the late 90's - you know, the one that reoccurred on Ally McBeal for a whole season just to remind her that her biological clock was ticking away?
5.) I really don't have a fifth reason.

Talk about a bummer. Looks like I'll be re-upping my Donkeys Doing Dudes account over at the gay/animal porn section of the net.

Probably the worst coppola ever did!

Jack is a terrible fucking film.

Tedium

I've been working out of the same room for two months now. I've taken to buying donuts and crying.

That is all.

An Old Routine

It's nice to be close to home. For the record, I don't miss that forty minute drive each day, each way. I'd like to think hell wised up and replaced one of it's inner circles with any of our modern torments - traffic, waiting in line at Verizon, filing paperwork at the DMV. A pitchfork in the ass doesn't hold the same level of anguish as stop and go on 54.

I found myself home last night at 4:30, after stopping by Blockbuster's for twenty minutes. Things that are super cool? Going home to play video games for several hours, watch DVDs, play more games, break it up with dinner (Pork Shank!) and then cap it off by watching more DVDs. When did I used to behave like that again? Oh, college. Sweet fucking college. Life is now like the semester's when I really didn't care. Anyone who's been in college knows that apathy runs deep, but complete indifference is what governs the masses. Life now is a lot like floating in a pool, but when you go to pee like normal, you discover no one else cares about that yellow cloud hanging about your midsection.

Take for instance this conversation that probably could have taken place with my boss:

Me: Hey.
Boss: You do any of your work?
Me: Still trying to get around to it.
Boss: You caught up on Lost?
Me: Watched three hours this morning.
Boss: Call me when you get to last week's.
Me: I'm going to take a two hour lunch, so that may take a while.

It's amazing how working at 60% qualifies for trying hard in the real world. And being the D+ shooter that I am, I seem like a workhorse. What's it mean when I can slack off for little less than half my work week, come home to play nothing but movies and games, go to bed late, wake up later, and still be considered a good worker? Either I've hit jackpot or this 'real world' I was warned of isn't as hard. I remember High School being harder then college, and now I recall college being harder then the real world. Let's just hope I never have kids and complicate things.

Fantastic Spiderman Four

Are you guys getting as hyped up as I am about Spider-Man 3? Man, I hope it lives up to the hype. I hope the hype doesn't kill it. Hype, hype, hype. Honestly: It'll probably be so-so to be honest. There's been improvement since the first was made, but I think Spider Man 2 gets the credit it does because it hit the right chord and got lucky. One wasn't bad, since it was popcorn theater. So two had a bigger budget and tried to become something more. Now, three (if you factor in advertising) supposedly has a budget between three hundred and five hundred million. I should hold off on seeing it until next week so I don't support it's opening numbers, but like I mentioned before... hype.

Hype is probably also why I'll see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer too. If it's never been I mentioned here, I hated the first one. Flat out. I watched it on DVD over four days because it interested me so little. I think I even did laundry while it was on. For a group that's supposed to function as a unit, you can't keep giving everyone their own plot strands, it makes for a confusing movie. I mean, it's not like they're Power Rangers: The Movie. That's a once in a lifetime cinematic classic that simultaneously presents the Rangers both as people and as Super Heroes. I certainly didn't expect that much of a gem. But what I got was more like Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. Talk about flip-flop.

Ah well. Opening weekend for Spider Man 3: 94 Million.

Irony

Ah, and we're a year out. Almost. A few weeks away. Anyway, flashback to a year ago: Waiting on a job from a credit card company, bored, addicted to video games, at least thirty pounds heavier, and knee deep in a bit of an alcoholic slump.

Now I'm in better shape, working for the government, anything but bored, barely touch video games (by comparison, I guess), and only drinking on alternating weekends. I've become the diet version of a soda you never liked to begin with.

What's fun is that tonight I get to interview someone for a job. Keep in mind, one year ago: sending out twenty resumes a day and flubbing every interview. So I plan on going easy on the kid. He's about two years younger and only been working part time for some contract agency. I'm taking him out to dinner, interviewing him, and telling him a bit about the job. Hopefully I can help him. I owe a good deal of my success to someone being overly nice to me for no reason at all. And since I can't repay him (although technically he gets a percentage of my paycheck, which I guess makes us fucking even), I'll just pay this one forward.

I can remember what it was like to interview with strangers. I had my fair share of weird job offers and interesting environments - including the dude who pretended to be a woman on the phone during the interview. So it'll be nice to try and help someone else.

Lord knows I need someone at my job who isn't twenty years older than me. At this point, I'm not the newbie anymore, I've outlasted people who were hired after me, and trained people a full score older. I don't mind it, but it's got to be embarrassing to be trained by some small, pale, white kid who still has pimples. It'd be nice if this kid gets hired, that way it can be doubly emasculating.

Heat [Not The Movie]

The heat's been broke in our house all year. It wasn't until early February we discovered the crisply burnt propane we thought had been heating our house was instead warmly propane fumes being dumped into our air vents. To be sure, this is the equivalent of hiring a homeless man to sit at our air grates and breath warm air.

God bless it, you know there is nothing like breathing carbon monoxide. Some might say it's bad for you. Others would argue that it's clinically bad for you. I tell you it does wonders for your synapses (provided you never need nor want to use them again).

But here's what I love. The heat breaks. Fine. We fix it. The propane tank empties. Fine, again, it's getting warm. We don't refill the propane. It gets warm. Great! We turn on the AC. It's broken. Fine. We pay to repair it. We use the AC for three days. Good. It gets cold again. Fine. It gets freezing. Fine. It snows. Fuck. We move. Can't move. We wait. It's cold. It's so cold.

I hate this house.

Easter Weekend

Signed a new lease over Easter weekend. I'm not saying the place I live now is bad, but the heating and air condition are broken, there's no trash pick up, and I think dead things have come back to life as a mold colonies within our walls. It's a fixer upper lacking the ability to ever be fixed, and I like to think of it as Hell without the heating.

I like the new place - not in love - but I do like it. Of course, there's always a mild infatuation with new places you move into. Mainly because it's new, but also because it doesn't suck like your old place. Your new place has its flaws, but you can't see them yet. It's like a gorgeous crazy woman, and until they open their yammer you can't call them certifiable. I suppose I'll have to wait for it to rain or snow or emit some type of sunshine in order to find out if the walls and ceilings they advertised for the place actually word.

The set up will be sweet, with two dueling TVs. They'll be Bob, the 61" TV that compensates for my small genitals, and a yet unnamed second TV opposite it. Two couches, a love seat, and bar stools. That's about the extent of the setup. Why would two guys need anything more?

Three Day Weekend

The old me would suicide me for becoming like this, just like the old Alex would probably... be amazingly comfortable with who he's become... never mind that analogy.

I love the work week. Remember in Office Space when the receptionist says "Someone's got a case of the Mondays?" I have the Mondays, only it's a cocktail of red bull, crack, and Viagra. The thing lasts until Thursday, when it comes crash down like a fat (living) version of Anna Nichole Smith after sugar shock. I realize I've overworked the week and will be leaving early Friday, plus I have no weekend plans. So I go home, maybe get Mexican, and probably hunker down to watch Bob all weekend. Most likely I'll drink - and I'm not a nansy pansy, I don't need to company to do that.

I'm sure this doesn't mean I'm adult, but I've got to be past the awkward 'walking around with your fly down' phase I've inhabited for the past decade. I'd like to think I'm not that guy anymore, but I did it again for an hour on Tuesday morning.... just can't seem to jump that hurdle.

Sometimes, you just need to do buy something insanely large. Like a 12" from Quizno's.

Other times you just need to blow a large wad of cash on useless toys.

And then there's the times you have to compensate for having a small penis.

If I were a thug, I think I'd carry a knife with me at all times. I'd mainly pull it out to clean my nails, maybe occasionally cut an apple. That way, even if no one knew my name, they'd know to stay the hell away from me. I'd be that dude that uses a knife for mundane tasks, and that alone it pretty weird.

Bob

For all those that say you can't buy happiness, I submit you've never sat with your nose pressed up against a 61" HD TV. Or driven a car for two weeks everyday without getting more gas. People who say money can't buy happiness have not taken a close enough look at Alex's arranged marriage. Clearly money is perpetuating things in a positive direction, so it's got to start working for me.

They renewed my contract.

Balls. Still employed. There goes that plan.