Subtleties

If I step onto a bus, or say, into a hallway, I should be hit by according smells. Bus smells. Hallway smells. I want - nay, demand - the scent of weak-ass cleaning solution and human traffic. So when I'm struck with a throat closing scent, seemingly eminating from no natural spot on God's green earth, do you think I'm in my boundries to freak?

I’m sitting down. A girl comes on the bus. She smells like peaches. Not the real stuff mind you, that heavy artificial smell where it tickles your throat. I watch her move past the seats and people react – ‘Hey! I know that smell!’ But their faces don’t light up with that fun expression from when youtry and guess the Yankee candle scent. No, it’s more like they’re morbidly curious to try and figure out where the pine tree stick up scent is coming from that’s masking the dead rodent in the wall. It’s an intense, chunky smell.

How many products have you rubbed into your skin to obtain such a heavy scent? Is there a literal bathtub full of bath and body works products that you bathe in? It smells like Flava Flav walked into a room, only he replaced his trademark alarm clock with a giant canister of potpourri and lemon zest.

And it’s not just the women. Fuck the man who invented Axe body spray. Guys, it has got to be the cheapest way to say ‘I’m trying’. Four dollars on cologne is like buying a ten cent cigar. And men will layer that stuff on as heavy as my uncle does with bug repellent. Is there some deep seated inner fear that if every inch of them isn’t covered, it won’t work? Your plantar arch will be fine without the scent of Phoenix.

Call me old fashioned, but I want a hint of the scent. Perfumes and colognes are seductive, and meant for close quarters. You not supposed to entice someone three city blocks away. When you’re close enough, it should be a tease. I don’t want the fucking Titanic to knock me out of my seat with some honey tea and dewberries amalgamation. You know who uses a ton of perfumes?