I and the Universe.... or is it the Universe and Me?

“A man said to the universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
- Stephen Crane

I spoke to the universe once. I said 'How are things looking?' The universe replied:

'Meh.'

There's always a need to have someone listen, preferably someone greater and more powerful then yourself. Telling someone better always runs the chance of them being able to help you out. People burdened with secrets know that fact. Holding onto something you never wanted to be saddled with in the first place can often be too great a burden, like tape worms.

'Holy crap!' I hear you say, 'Where are you going with this? Do you have some dark secret about your origins? Are you really a deity from space?' Shut up. I'll tell you where I'm going with this. People who post that they want 'Whatever I Can Get' and 'Random Play' on their facebook. Funk that. Seriously. That's what I want to talk about. Clicking that box is the equivalent of yelling to the universe 'I can't get laid by any of the people I want!', and then the universe silently tosses back "Man, your ass is undesirablee."

Listen up, kids. This post is the equivalent of giant care bear stare in your face. Stop it. Now. Admitting that you would find ass via the internet is - no, no. Just stop it. You will not find your dream partner on eHarmony.com, and if you do - tsk! If you wanted someone to do the work for you, I'm sure your mom still wants to set you up with the Nedlson kid down the street - you know, the one with a good heart but a lazy eye.

If you're a man-ho or a skank, you shouldn't need to check that box anyway. Odds are your picture will have you in either swim wear, shirtless, or drunk in a compromised position. You say to the universe 'Hey! I'm easy!' but you forget to add the post script of 'But don't be confused when I become so emotional unstable around you that it becomes easy to confuse me with Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction!'

Selecting something like that box is fishing with out bait. You know what kind of a catch you're going to get? A retarded one that looks like this. Yes. They're always defective on the internet, so just stop it. The universe thanks you for not addressing it with such meaningless clutter. And so do I.

'cuz I am way too good looking and awesome to be bogged down with something like that.

Reminders for class: Smile