Youth and Amish Suck

My generation embarrasses me. Not just the guys with popped collars and platinum chains or the girls with two hair colors and caked on makeup, but the whole lot of them. I am embarrassed by them. Not ashamed, or upset with, or annoyed. Embarrassed. If I see someone my age walking around with a mobile phone on speakerphone, chirping after every sentence he mumbles into his hand piece, I'm embarrassed. Phone calls are private - and even if you don't care, I don't want to know what stage you're sister's Chlamydia has advanced to. Your life is mundane and trivial to me. But they still do that eye scan after they say something on it; “Sure, just smear some apricot jelly on it. That’ll reduce the redness” and they look around. Are we supposed to be impressed? “Holy LORD! That man has a phone without wires? Where – does anyone see the wires? Holy crow!”

The only way I would listen to what your speaker phone was saying is if you were a celebrity on VH1 getting your life profiled. And even then, it’s not because I think they’re better, it’s because I want to make sure whatever they’re talking about is as inconsequential as I think they are. You hear me Bronson Pinchot? Nobody cares.

The same goes for tricked out cars and stereo systems. People who love their car should know that it’s always going to be an unhealthy relationship. Why? Your car can never love you back.. Dogs, cats, hamsters – sure. They all show affection. I’m not sure Hammy the Hamster ever really loved me in a poignant manor growing up, but damn sure if he didn’t appreciate me when I dropped a food block into his cage-o-torium.

And it’s not just the tool bags. The Bible Belt kids turned out messed up to. Take this excerpt from a teenager’s column about a teacher sleeping with her 14 year old student.

"No more slut teachers in public schools. If it were me, they'd be burying that 'woman.' First the apple in Eden. Now molesting innocents. Hang her."

Can you say that? Is it allowed? I’m pretty sure that a death threat in the form of shunning. Shunning may have been popularized by the Amish, but those guys are bastards. Oh – what? – it’s not like they’ll ever find out I said that. The Amish suck.

Remidners for class: MLK weekend. Double your sunday pleasure - drink.