We have been seeing each other for a while now, but I think it is time we go separate ways. Lately, you have been getting fatter. I add the -er because, frankly, you've never been thin. I sense that soon you will block the view of my penis, perhaps one of the grandest views God has ever put on this planet. That cannot stand.
You may argue that for any one else the view remains unobstructed, but I am not anyone else. I am me. ME! Gut, you had to know what you were coming between. You are preventing me from seeing the equivalent of a sun rise.
I know I promised we'd be together forever. I said we'd get a pet together. I said lots of things, and promised you more. I was in love with someone else. That someone can never be you. It was going to be you and me until the wheels fall off.
There were good times, like the night where we worked together to balance a beer on your head. And the time when I used you to fake a 2nd trimester pregnancy. But those good times were few and far between.
The adoring crowds of women that flock to me daily will still want on me, but you take off crucial points. Despite the fact that I am a 100%, +10 Hotty, you prevent me from flawlessness. You make them doubt my prowess.
How will they know? You know they never look at my face anyway. I'm always like "Hey! I'm up here" when they stare at my junk. And to get to my face, they have to go through you. Getting around you costs me crucial seconds before I can flash my award winning smile, pop my collar, and totally quote something from Grey's Anatomy or Oprah to sound romantic. You are an obstruction. Like chastity or sober drivers. And I must end this with you.
I hope you aren't mad, because I have to destroy you with jogging and crunches. It was inevitable. If I didn't, some doctor would tell me I have to put you down like that little shit kid at the end of Old Yeller. And I would cry so hard because I it will more work later. I hate work.It's better I do it now.
Love,
Ken
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