The Death of Charlie

Charlie, perhaps the world's most loyal beard, died last night between nine and ten pm. A household icon and perhaps the largest supplier of sunshine outside of the sun is survived by an awkward patch of chest hair and some excess hair around the knuckles.

Charlie was born in June of 2005 after a fruitless job search gave his best friend, Kenji Meadu, some free time to grow. After multiple experiments, Charlie was the final result. "You always know someone like Charlie exists inside you. You just never think you'd be strong enough to find him."

In the first weeks of life, Charlie gained his infamous 'rust' colored red coating. Though perhaps the most noticeable of all his traits, Charlie was never one to brag. "Most people get their hair color and then go gray. They never experience anything else without a dye job. I am blessed to have so many freakish colors riding my undercarriage."

Charlie was known as a philanthropist, donating millions to several prominent charities. His favorites were those that involved children, because he knew he could use his powers to influence a life. Often Make-A-Wish would contact him about getting a photo opportunity with a child. He was frequently quoted as saying "I don't waste time on dead things" when they rang, and would mail the sick child two copies of his motivational book "Live Long, Live Bearded" and three random characters from his action playset collection.

Charlie was married twice in his life. Once in the summer of 2005 for seven days to Kate Botsworth, and a second time for three weeks in September 2005 to Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order fame. Both marriages filed for divorce citing that they could not satisfy Charlie's insatiable lust, and it was worthless to keep trying.

But late in his life, Charlie became decrepit. Drink would often spill down over the mouth and drain into his hair. Charlie was aware that age was taking over.

"He said if I didn't help him, he would do it himself. I did what any friend would do. " said Kenji. "I helped him."

Charlie died by electric razor on Friday, shortly before TGIF ended its family lineup on ABC. Though it's not for certain, speculation is that he was thinking of Urkel during his last few moments of life.

Reminders for class: I can't believe he's really gone.